My current thought processes

For about a year now, actually if I'm honest, for my entire adult life, I have been seriously considering adoption. It kills me inside whe I think about the time I have wasted, waiting....

Initially I wanted to provide GO a biological child because, as I have always said, I wanted to see what our DNA would make.  I had visions of little curly red heads running around, creating mischief and just being loved.  Over time (7years) and after many, many, procedures and agonising weeks of waiting it just hasn't happened for us and I think there is a reason for this.  

I think we were meant to open our hearts andhome to the many children who are alone, for whatever reason, in this scary world and who need love, guidance and protection.

We had planned to start the proceedings in January, to give ourselves the chance of being a family this year.  I/we decided to postpone after a lengthy discussion with my GP.  We also made some pretty massive geographical decisions.

I have now come to the conclusion that we are waiting for nothing.  We are not going to conceive a child naturally, I don't want to go down the IVF route, it is painful, expensive, and there is no guarantee that it will work. 

I suppose the epiphany I have had is that I want to be somebody's mother, I want GO to be somebody's father.  At the end of the day we are not blood related (that would be so very wrong) but we are family.  We have the love and time to care and raise a child, there are thousands of children who are living without love who could fit perfectly into our hearts and lives.

What now?  Well I think we need to resettle and then start the process, it's a new chapter in the Murray house, a scary and exciting chapter.  I will have to let GO take the lead, I can't pressurise him, he needs to feel comfortable about all of this.

I once asked him if he wanted to move on from me, to find a wife who could provide him a child, he's younger than me, he has plenty of options. His response was one of confusion; "why would I do that?  You're the one I love. We will be parents however it happens they will be our children and we will love and raise them together."  

That's the man I love.  That's the man I married.  He's my hero

The Great Oxford Pack Off begins

So I've been around the house and taken down our curtains and lampshades and put the landlords own back up.  To me this means we are really moving.  

As an army brat I can very quickly make a place my own, I swap the fittings (curtains, rugs, lamps) as soon as possible and with the help of candles and furnishings even rented accommodation feels like home.

To take my things down and put the other things back up means I have mentally prepared to move on, more than the stacks of boxes in the spare room ever could.

Look at those lips

Messing around I took a morning picture.  

I couldn't believe how plump (well plump for me) my lips looked.  

Normally my smile looks like this ___

Breakfast nom nom nom

I love a Cinnamon Bun, especially for breakfast, especially with coffee, and especially snuggled on the sofa in my fluffy dressing gown, watching Hallmark movies about lovely ladies falling in love with fixer upper men. 

Paraben Free

Following a conversation with Mamilein I'm am now pretty much paraben free.

Mamilein has take to watching science and documentary programmes.  I regularly get told to watch it, she hasn't quite grasped that I can't watch German TV in England.  I have managed to subscribe to and follow the shows on Facebook.  One day we were discussing her desperate need for a grandchild (I'm trying) and she mentioned a show where they had been discussing that parabens in everyday products could/were affecting fertility.  Which made me think of it is true, it is quite a small change for us to make that could have huge consequences for our future.  So after lots of research, we are now 90% paraben free in our house.  The only Issues I've had is my face, it can't cope with paraben free products so I have stuck with classic Nivea.  Everything else we use is now paraben free and while I haven't noticed any changes, yet, I feel happy in the knowledge that I am living a cleaner, healthier and safer life.

Cosy Comforts

It's my favourite time of the year, Autumn.   

The days are fresher, nights are longer and it is almost vital to snuggle.  I have pulled out my long fluffy dressing gown, and already had my first mega hot chocolate.  

GO is still working ridiculously long and late shifts so we are like ships passing in the night.  There was a time this crushed me, but I have now got myself into a lovely little groove.  

Weekends are spent chatting/visiting friends or chilling at home.  I try to get in at least one long walk either around the village or in town, and do something crafty.  

To spoil myself I treat myself to either a film (sometimes I download one) or play a video game. After playing it for nearly twelve years, I still haven't finished Zelda and the Twilight Princess.

I do love my life, there are things that would make it perfect, but I am trying not to dwell.

Out on a school night!

It's Wednesday evening, the final of the Great British Bakeoff is on, the Cat school have an inspection tomorrow, and GO is on the sofa with a cold (second in four weeks) and where am I? I'm at the bus stop waiting for the U1 to take me to town.  

I'm meeting up with my Check Friend, we're going to celebrate Wine Wednesday in style at the Randolph hotel.  We're going to have a good old gossip.  The last time we did this we discovered a mutual interest in spirituality and mindfulness.  Let's see where this evening will take us.  

I'm planning on settling by the log fire in the Morse Bar with a naughty glass of Cabernet Sauvignon having a giggle and putting the world to right.

A bit of autumn sunshine

I bailed on last nights late date night, I had spent the whole day cleaning and packing and just couldn't move off the sofa.  So I arranged an early morning date instead.  

9.30 this morning we set off to the bells calling the parisheners l to Sunday morning worship, we were planning a fellowship of our own.  

I wonder why GO finds this sign so funny?

After parking and passing about a dozen cars packed with duvets, lamps and kettles (the students are returning), we found a seat at a little eatery on George Street opposite the Old Fire Station and placed our orders.  

A quiet street in Oxford is rare

GO ordered a breakfast wrap (sausage, bacon, egg and a hash brown) and I ordered my usual breakfast of choice (because I can't make it myself) Eggs Benedict.  Apart from the eggs being overdone, it was yummy and I inhaled it quickly. One of the benefits of the restaurant was the unlimited coffe refills.  Need I say more?  

Never seen him before

GO is working until 9pm AGAIN (and is finding the workplace rather stressful) so I decided to go for a bit of a bimble around the Jericho part of Oxford. 

We held our engagement party here

It's not a side of Oxford I am that familiar with, it's not on the bus line and to get there is a bit of a walk.   We did have our engagement party in the Freud bar there four years ago, apart from that I have no idea what it's like.

I wandered through streets that reminded me of Bath and BBC costume dramas (The Bucaneers), taking photos and just absorbing the gorgeous autumn sunshine. I will miss days like this when we move.

Autumn Bucket List

My favourite time of the year is Autumn, winter is round the corner, the days get shorter and chillier, cotton gets packed away and out comes all of the wool.  It the time to wind down and snuggle.  Less salads and ice cream, more soups, casseroles and hot chocolate. This autumn we will hopefully be making some major life changes, with that in mind I have pared down my bucket list.

• Visit a pumpkin patch
• Jump in a big pile of leaves
• Collect fallen leaves and conkers
• Make apple cake/pie
• Visit a haunted house/Ghost tour
• Enjoy a cup of hot chocolate
• Go through a maize maze
• Stomp on crunchy leaves
• Bake - pies, bread, cookies
• Watch a scary movie
• Eat caramel apple