My current thought processes

For about a year now, actually if I'm honest, for my entire adult life, I have been seriously considering adoption. It kills me inside whe I think about the time I have wasted, waiting....

Initially I wanted to provide GO a biological child because, as I have always said, I wanted to see what our DNA would make.  I had visions of little curly red heads running around, creating mischief and just being loved.  Over time (7years) and after many, many, procedures and agonising weeks of waiting it just hasn't happened for us and I think there is a reason for this.  

I think we were meant to open our hearts andhome to the many children who are alone, for whatever reason, in this scary world and who need love, guidance and protection.

We had planned to start the proceedings in January, to give ourselves the chance of being a family this year.  I/we decided to postpone after a lengthy discussion with my GP.  We also made some pretty massive geographical decisions.

I have now come to the conclusion that we are waiting for nothing.  We are not going to conceive a child naturally, I don't want to go down the IVF route, it is painful, expensive, and there is no guarantee that it will work. 

I suppose the epiphany I have had is that I want to be somebody's mother, I want GO to be somebody's father.  At the end of the day we are not blood related (that would be so very wrong) but we are family.  We have the love and time to care and raise a child, there are thousands of children who are living without love who could fit perfectly into our hearts and lives.

What now?  Well I think we need to resettle and then start the process, it's a new chapter in the Murray house, a scary and exciting chapter.  I will have to let GO take the lead, I can't pressurise him, he needs to feel comfortable about all of this.

I once asked him if he wanted to move on from me, to find a wife who could provide him a child, he's younger than me, he has plenty of options. His response was one of confusion; "why would I do that?  You're the one I love. We will be parents however it happens they will be our children and we will love and raise them together."  

That's the man I love.  That's the man I married.  He's my hero