Definitely too soon

I didn't get a job I didn't want, ah well

I was pressured into applying for a job recently, it was a managerial position and I didn't get it.  It went to a candidate who is currently working in the role in her school.  I didn't really want the job, I had managerial roles in the past and ended up in an operating theatre having a procedure I didn't really need.  The email I received asked candidates to prepare an assembly from a different country, take part in an inbox/date activity, do a 10 minute presentation and then take part in a formal interview.  I was expecting to be done and dusted by lunchtime and to teach for the afternoon.  I by chance mentioned something to the office staff who told me my day would start at 10am and I would be finished by half past two.  I would also have a two hour gap between the first two activities and the presentation/interview.  I prepared myself, sort of.  I had a discussion with one of the ladies in my class, telling her I wasn't sure I wanted the job but that I would give it a go, just for the interview practise. 

I was led to believe that it would be a walk in the park and that I would be pretty much guaranteed the role, this made me very unsettled.  By the morning of the interview I had a flash of realisation I did not want the job.  G.O and I moved here to start a family, we had made enquiries to various local agencies and had a meeting booked for the end of May.  I couldn't take on an all encompassing role as a key stage leader and try to start a family, it was ludicrous. 

I left a message on the supply teacher network, explain this and how to calm my nerves.  The response was overwhelming and it really changed my mindset.  This was not an interview where they would choose me, it was an interview where they would have to convince me to give up being a supply teacher (a role I have come to love) and join them.  I carried out my task safe in the knowledge that I didn't want the job and used the interview as a way to get a few things off my chest.  There are areas that are lacking in the school, that they need to address particularly in light of the changes to the curriculum and the way the Little Green Men conduct their inspection these days.  On the surface it is a glossy school with lots of potential, but scratch the surface and the fundamentals just aren't in place.  It is a big job, one that thankfully I will not have to worry myself with. 

The following day I contacted my supply agency who have already found me positions in schools that require a long term supply.  Sometimes it really is a blessing in disguise.

Bronte Falls - Fat Girl Walking

I'd heard about it in the staffroom, I'd seen it on Instagram, I'd driven past it on my way home from work nearly everyday.  Today I decided to go an visit the Bronte Waterfalls.  GO and I hopped in the car, we didn't really take anything with, on a normal walk we'd be laden down with backpacks, wet water gear, and other such supplies.  This was only a quick walk, it was just off the main road.....

"I intended to have written a line yesterday, but just as I was sitting down for that purpose, Arthur called to me to take a walk. We set off, not intending to go far; but though wild and cloudy it was fine in the morning; when we got about half-a-mile on the moors, Arthur suggested the idea of the waterfall; after the melted snow, he said it would be fine. I had often wished to see it in its winter power, so we walked on. It was fine indeed; a perfect torrent racing over the rocks, white and beautiful!"

Charlotte Bronte, November 29th 1854

Well it seems, dear reader (I'm getting a bit carried away with the Bronteness of it all), I am the Arthur of this family.  I knew there was a waterfall, what I didn't know was just how far away it was.  2 miles, that isn't far.  It isn't far at all, but over hill and dale it can get a bit tiring.

I'll walk where my own nature would be leading: It vexes me to choose another guide. Emily Bronte

We walked past meadows and over the tops in the most glorious sunshine, there was the ever present cloud looming and multiplying over head, a constant reminder that I had dared to hang out my washing on a Sunday, but it was an idyllic day.  We/I wasn't really sure where we were going, as is the norm, I had googled a bit, but I was basically following two hiker shaped objects in front of us.    I wouldn't acknowledge GO's concerns that they had packs and supplies and we had a camera and my handbag.

We made it and it was, while glorious might be too grand a word, lovely.  I have read on the website (that I discovered on our return) that he best time to visit falls is just after rainfall, as they look spectacular.  When we arrived the area was full of hikers and families enjoying the sunshine and tucking in to their very British picnics.  As we didn't even have a bottle of water (I know, I know), our feelings of annoyance may have in actual fact been feelings of jealousy.

We made our way back, planning to one day return and to attempt the Top Within' trail, we seem to always decided to try another trail on the way home from a trail we are on.  Promising ourselves that the next hike we try would be well provisioned.  There is nothing like a cup of coffee and a biscuit that you have lugged all the way from home in a stainless steel cylinder.  We enjoyed the walk back to the car, we didn't have the feeling of anticipation that you have when you head out somewhere new, but we had the joy of knowing that this glorious, wonderful countryside and all of the epic scenery around us, was only ten minutes from our front door.

Facebook profile - of course

I found a spot to chill

It's a shame, but he didn't fall in, I didn't even try

Plans for the future

Posers

Biggest sky I have seen in a while.

I will tell you the tale of this sheep and her lamb, one day.

More info about Haworth, The Bronte's and just a brainy quote or two;

http://www.haworth-village.org.uk/brontes/places/bronte_falls.asp

Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/emilybront385392.html

Happy Mother's Day Mamilein

Alles Gute zum Muttertag. 

 Du hast mich immer gelehrt, mich beschützt, mich ermutigt und mich so geliebt wie ich bin. 

Ich werde dir immer dankbar dafür sein.

Ich Liebe Dich Mamilein

Flashback to our wedding on Huffington Post

Was chatting with GO and I asked whether he knew that we were featured on the Huffington Post wedding site as one of their weddings of the week.  He had no idea, which made me think how was he supposed to know these things if I don't tell him, here is a screenshot or you can click the link above to see for yourself.

Welcome to the world

Welcome to the world little man!

"Born 10.37 on 5 May, weighing 6 lb 2 oz. SB did an amazing job. Her and little man are well."

It is with pleasure to welcome to the world a new little person.  TallGirl and KiwiBoy have had a little boy, welcome to the world Huckleberry (obvs not his real name).  

You are now part of quite a globe trotting family.  In the past few years your mum and dad have been to almost every continent in the world.  They are the kind of adrenalin junkies that make homebodies (like me, I suppose) break out in a cold sweat.  They jump out of planes, hurl themselves down mountains, swim in shark infested waters all in the name of fun.

I am sure you will have the kind of childhood that is full of fun, laughter and adventure.  You will start your globe trotting at a very young age, and you will love it.

I haven't had a chance to meet you yet as your 'rents are booked up until next month, but when we do meet I'm sure we'll get on like a house on fire.

They Just Popped Over

We've had our first official visitors, Mamilein and Papichen came to stay with us over the bank holiday weekend to take them all over the place.  We were going to visit Halifax, Blackburn maybe even take a trip into Manchester.  I was so excited I hadn't seen them since Christmas.  Then Papichen got a bug,  it was a stinker of a bug (in fact most of Europe got this bug and it was nasty).  He was very weak and couldn't eat much food/keep food down so his diabetes wasn't being very well managed which in turn made him lethargic and very confused.  He spent the first day hobbling around Bury market (he still isn't quite fully recovered from last year's accident), the second day he was so weak from the previous day and the lack of  any decent food that he was very confused and had the attention span of a about three minutes.  It was very worrying and for all of us a reminder that we are all getting older and haven't got the stamina of twenty year old anymore. 

That being said, they got home safe and sound and are both feeling better.  While they were here we did manage to do a spot of sightseeing.  Mamilein especially didn't want to spend her whole visit inside watching TV, so I made the most in a break in the clouds and took her to Hollingworth Lake, over the tops to Baitings Reservoir and for a wander along the Rochdale Canal in Mytholmroyd to see the geese.  

It was lovely to see them as always, here's hoping that the next visit will be a more comfortable one, Ryanair all the way.

May Day

Sending Good Wishes

Good luck for the future SB you will be a fantastic mother s/he is a lucky little thing xx

It was the baby shower of SB this weekend and I was unable to go as my parents were visiting from Germany.  I had visited recently together with LC, we were all at Uni together and somehow we are all still good friends nearly 16 years later. 

LLOWLANDS 2008 - drowned rats

SB and LC are now entering/pretty settled in the motherhood phase of life, I will hopefully soon join them. I'm not really sure how I feel about Baby Showers, they are very American and commercial (the baby shower gift register blew my mind),  I am 100% positive that when my time comes (baby/adoption)  I will be celebrating with my nearest and dearest and showering that child(ren) with the love that it/they deserve.  

Hen Do - 2013

As neither LC nor I could attend the shower we decided to send a gift from the both us. What do you buy for a baby you don't know?  What could they possibly need? (everything) How could we make a statement without being there?  

Gender Neutral - I hate surprises, even if it's not my surprise

Then I remembered, I had found this little shop on ETSY last year Happylilhearts, she is a fantastic crafter who makes bouquets for newborns that are made out of bootees, onesies, and bibs all wrapped up with a little cuddly toy. It was perfect I ordered it a week early and it arrived the day before the shower, it even had a hand written note.

I couldn't have said it better myself

I Cannot Join In

RANT ALERT --- RANT ALERT --- RANT ALERT --- RANT ALERT --- RANT ALERT

While 99% of my being is happy when a new baby arrives in the world 1% is dreading the baby chat. 

I'm sure it can be quite depressing when you haven't got any children of your own, but when you are an infertile woman, as I am (have I mentioned that before?), it can be heartbreaking. 

I will never understand what you are going through, I can make the right noises but my knowledge comes from watching TV shows and films or from reading books.  I will never have first hand experience of growing a human, giving birth or breast feeding.

I have accepted this fact, I am working on building a family of my very own.  

I love the fact that you have experienced this and will ooh and aah with the best of then but I cannot empathise. 

I understand

I commiserate

To be honest I don't know.  

Should I have to?  Is it part of being a good friend to hear everybody's birth/war story?  Hear about cracked nipples?  Endless nights feeding at two in the morning? 

Yes it is, and I wear my good friend badge with pride.  Your horror story (sorry birth story)  will be recycled by me.  The next time a friend wants to talk scary birth stories, I will throw yours into the mix.  It is not my story I will announce, in case anybody doesn't know, but I will take some (aright lots of) pleasure in rehashing it and drawing out the really gruesome moments. 

Even though I take it all on the chin there comes a moment when enough is enough.  I am the only one left now with out children.  Friends are now on their second, third and I am sure fourth babies and I haven't even had the chance to release an egg, let alone get it fertilised.  So please spare a thought about who else is reading your posts.  Don't stop by any means just have a bit of consideration.  I do.

I make a very conscious effort not to talk about teaching all the time, unless it is a very hard/funny experience.  Usually it is about rude things kids have said, and I would share that whether I was a teacher or if I heard someone say it at the supermarket.  I have gone so far as to join a couple of teaching groups on social media so that I can spout off to people who can empathise and give me advice, so that I don't fill up people's feeds with random complaints, and boring stories.

Don't stop the pictures I love those, don't stop the conversations, that is the worst thing you could do.  I am infertile,  it is not who I am, but it is a part of me.  I was recently reminded of a list I had posted a couple of years ago (from a blog called NoleNurse) that seems to sum up what I need to say.

Do

* Provide unbiased support. Sometimes I just wanna cry, or vent, or talk about how upset I am. Please just let me have this release and I promise I'll feel better.

* Give genuine hugs. I can feel how much you care.

* Pray.

* Give me space. I'm obviously not shy about sharing our struggles, but there are few times where I'd rather just not talk about it.

* Let me drink a beer. If my doctor says it's ok, then don't judge me.

* Let me cry. Sometimes this is the only thing that makes things better at that very moment. Don't be embarrassed or uncomfortable.

* Randomly email, call, text. I can't begin to explain how important those little gestures mean to me.

* Allow for my emotional and hormonal roller coaster I call my day to day life. I'm sorry in advanced for any meltdowns, outbursts, hot flashes, or whatever else may come without warning.

* Listen.

Don't

* Offer unsolicited fertility advice. While I appreciate helpful advice, I also know what's wrong with me. I don't ovulate. Like, at all. So telling me that your second cousins step brothers best friends aunt tried 10 years to have a baby and then tried (insert specific diet, drug, workout, position) and now has 10 beautiful children isn't helpful.

* Start any sentence with "Have you tried. . ." Yes I probably have, and no it hasn't worked.

* Tell me it will happen when I stop trying. Honestly? We did that the last four or so years. No, actually it won't happen when we stop trying, because again, I do not ovulate on my own. That little detail is pretty important in making a baby.

* Tell me not to be so negative when I'm upset that something didn't work.  While I know this is well-intended, and for the most part I do try to stay positive, sometimes I just want to be bummed. I didn't get the results I wanted and it hurts and it sucks. Let me feel like this.

* Talk about my weight or body. Or even worse, tell me I look pregnant! It's not hard to look at my body as broken or as the enemy in this process, and I don't need to be reminded that my outside reflects this fact.

* Talk about how crazy your kids are and how lucky we are to sleep in. Not cool.

* Tell me to relax or not stress about it. I am managing my stress pretty well if you ask me, and I don't need to be reminded that the unavoidable stress is bad for my situation.

* Judge my choices. You can't say what you would do until you're put in that situation.

* Ask me if I'm pregnant yet. Trust me, you will know when it happens and when I'm ready to share it!

Again, from day one we've had nothing but love and support. Anytime I've been hurt or frustrated with what people tell me, I know it's not ill-willed or malicious. However, that doesn't escape the fact that it still hurts, sometimes pretty bad. So whether it be someone you know struggling with infertility or any other difficult situation, remember to be considerate, compassionate, and when in doubt, a simple hug and a "I'm here for you" is usually all that's needed.