I knew it was going too well

I had a missed call from the estate agent and an email asking me to call back, all by 11am.  They know I work but they don’t care.  I called back “oh I was just wondering how it was all going?”  I explained I had approved the solicitors request to start the searches and had paid the surveyor his fee to start work and now we just waited.  “Oh well that’s good, we’ll we know there is nothing on the survey so it’s just the solicitor we’re waiting for.  By the way did your husband tell you that there was another enquiry who were offering the asking price.  They turned it down to stay with you, because you are first time buyers and don’t have a chain.”  I know she was trying to reassure but it just made me feel anxious.

The Real Mumma knows what she’s talking about

-we are just enjoying being newly married

-we have some travelling we want to do first

-I'm just focusing on my career right now.....

These are just a few of the reasons I used (with a forced smile) to mask what was really going on. I wasn't always that pleasant. One day I responded with 'it's not that fucking easy, you know'. I had just got my period that morning.... again. 

They would tell me that I'm not going to be young forever or that my maternal clock was ticking. And believe me, I knew it. I just didn't need to hear it from everyone else. 

Trying to conceive isn't easy unless you are a highly fertile 17 year old, that could fall pregnant just by talking about it. The odds of conception and retaining a pregnancy are actually pretty shit, topped off with the huge amount of people that are reproductively challenged with polycystic ovaries, endometriosis etc etc. And I was one of them....

I remember the day, vividly. I had to go to work after we had the appointment and I thought that was it for me. No kids. My husband, always the optimistic one said that we would try the treatments suggested and that it was not over. We even had a very frank discussion about adopting. We were told to expect a long road ahead, if we decided to take it. 

IVF sucks. It is the most time consuming, invasive, expensive and emotionally painful roller coaster I have been on. It actually broke me. You have so much invested in the process, financially and emotionally that it consumes your every thought.

When you are having difficulty conceiving, it seems everyone around you is falling pregnant. It's easy to be happy for them at first but that brave face wears thin after a while. I even started to decline going to certain get togethers and attending baby birthdays were just painful. I became quite bitter, desperate and depressed. 

But one year later, I got up for work and did a quick test, expecting the usual mind-numbing result. I crawled back into bed with my husband. He rolled over and said 'you're pregnant, aren't you'!? I was. I didn't have to say a thing. My face said it all. We were one of the lucky ones.

But many couples will be trying for years. And some may never succeed and my heart goes out to them. And what about the couple that doesn't want kids? Or the couple that had a child but can't afford to have another? Or those that have lost little ones? Even though we went through IVF and had such a struggle to have our Harvey, soon after we were asked... 'so when are you having number two'? And now that I have two wonderful children and I feel our family is pretty complete, the question still comes....

So, next time you go to say that 'throw away' comment to the newly weds or the couple that have been together for ten years, be sensitive.  Don't ask them when they are having kids. You never know what's going on.

Adela Barbaro - The Real Mumma

It must be karma

Not long after moving “Up North” I was checking out Rightmove when I found a property for sale, detached, four bed with a garage.  Before we could even think about making a move it was taken off the market, not sold just not for sale anymore.  It set the bar for the type of house I wanted, modern with a bit of potential, something we could add our personalities too and maybe add a bit of value.  It was disappointing but I soon got over it and moved into our current rented property.

That summer the house next door to the original house was put on the market, I contracted the estate agents and tried to make an appointment but I just ended up playing phone tag with the agency.  When I finally managed to speak to someone I was informed that the house was no longer one the market.  I was fuming, we were serious buyers!  It took me a long, long time to get over it. We looked at other areas and smaller houses but I yearned  for the new house (it looks like this emoji 🏡) .

Hi Herbst

I’m addicted

Hi my name is Corrina and I am addicted to Pinterest.  It has been ten minutes sconce my last pin and I can’t stop myself.  It started with a bit of a food board reorganisation, then I combined all of my school/home/fashion/body boards into separate groups.  I followed that by renaming all of the boards, linking my Instagram to the boards and then changing my name and handle.  I spent way too long tried to have a break doing some online Christmas shopping (I know, it’s only September) I then discovered that I could add things to my boards straight from the shops I was looking at.  I haven’t checked but my pins are probably into the quadruple figures now if not more.  I need to stop but I love it so much and it is harmless, isn’t it?  

Opening of the Constitutional

Almost every month for the pay year or so we have enjoyed evenings in Farsley at the event Trouble at Mill.  We’ve seen artistic dancers, who paint portraits as they dance.  Heard ghost stories, talked at length about death and watched a full blown opera.  Then we heard the news that it was being demolished.  We were disappointed but it’s not the end of the world as the amazing team behind trouble were hoping to open a new venue and rather than big events once a month hold smaller more intimate evenings every weekend. The first evening would be a paid event that included membership, as it was going to become a members only club.  We were in for a treat as well as a performance by Astra Luna we were going to watch an Edinburgh Festival winning act and a lovely and so talented Soprano sang a variety of solos.  What an amazing way to open the new club.  Can’t wait for our next visit.

This got me

It’s been a journey and I honestly don’t know how long I will last.  Each month we try, we know everything we  can about our infertility journey.  I’m tired of the advice, as well meaning as it is, you do not know what we are going through.  Yes I smile, I joke, I laugh but deep down I hurt.  Recently a lady I work with said “I’m so jealous of you because you don’t have to go home and look after any children, you have no responsibilities.”  We have spoken about infertility, she had her first through IVF, it seems that once you have a baby you forget.  This picture came up on my Instagram and it got me in the feels.

I need to up my game next year

I’m all about the challenges this year, alongside the 1000 mile challenge I also decided to do the Goodreads boom challenge.  I set myself a target of reading 16 books in 2018, my thinking was a book a month with four in the summer holidays.  One thing I know I lose when I’m stressed, which is also one thing that would help calm me, is reading.  My worries, which realistically I know are

insignificant can become mammoth in my head but when I read I forget them and the nasty little voices in my head are quietened.  Imagine my joy

when I completed my reading challenge in September, from an epic novel about American Gods to a story about Mrs Westaways inheritance I have dipped into all kinds of genres, but have found myself less drawn to romances and more to thrillers and chillers.  Here’s to more books in the future. 

We had the whole place to ourselves

Maybe it’s because it was the first weekend after school began or maybe because it wasn’t quite as warm as it had been formwhatever reason we had the whole beach to ourselves.  We climbed over the dunes, filled with broken bottles and burned out bbq’s and found a beautiful empty beach.  We had so much fun playing in the shallows and throwing around our frisbee.  I only wish I’d brought a blanket I could have stayed all day.

Who knew?

We arrived in Blackpool as everything was closing, at this time of year it’s the time to arrive so that you can make the most of the loominayshuns.  Filling that time usually involves walking along the front, eating crap or dribbling your money away on slot machines.  This time I decided we should go up the tower, I’d never been GO couldn’t remember if he had, the tickets cost about as much as we’d spend on food and crap so it seemed worth it.

Theexperience begins with a 4D show then a fast ride up the elevator to the top.  So far so good.  I was happy as Larry until I stepped off the elevator, there was a walkway made of glass and that was when the trouble began.

I haven’t got a fear of heights, ok, I can feel butterflies in my stomach on ladders/up trees/on cliff edge but that is an adrenaline rush surely?  I used to rock climb (not well, but I did it), have abseiled down cliffs and thrown myself of mountains with two planks of wood strapped to my feet but nothing prepared me for those windows floors!  

I couldn’t do it, I was petrified complete strangers were guided me, supporting me, helping me.  Some laughed, until they tried to cross the floor themselves, ha ha, fools.

After a lot of psyching myself up I eventually managed to walk across it.  My favourite moment was when a rough, tough Scouser completely guy couldn’t walk it either.  His exasperated girlfriend laughed; “I wouldn’t mind but he’s a roofer!”

So today I conquered a fear I didn’t know I had!